


Mating Rituals

by fizzygingr



Category: Kamen Rider OOO
Genre: Bad Flirting, Flirting, Humor, I mean technically it's ankh/eiji but be warned they don't hook up, M/M, Utter ridiculousness, Very Bad Flirting, how do I even tag this uh, it's just
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22602787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fizzygingr/pseuds/fizzygingr
Summary: Ankh tries to court Eiji. What he doesn't realize is that birds and humans have very different understandings of "courtship"
Relationships: Ankh/Hino Eiji
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	Mating Rituals

When Eiji comes back from grocery shopping, he finds Ankh standing in the kitchen, a determined look on his face. He shrugs and heads towards the back with the bags; he’s learned that it’s usually better not to ask. But before Eiji reaches the door, he hears a loud “AHEM” behind him. He turns to see Ankh in what looks like some kind of fighting stance, his chest puffed out in front of him. 

Eiji stares. Ankh stares back at him, looking him right in the eye.

And then Ankh hops.

Not in any especially intricate pattern, just a few hops in one direction, and a few in the other, back and forth in front of him like he’s trying to make him see something. Eiji looks harder, but there’s nothing new about Ankh that he might want him to notice, other than that he has to be uncomfortable sticking his chest out like that. His hair and his clothes look the same as always. Eiji squints, trying to decipher the English on his shirt, but even that is nothing he hasn’t seen before.

“Um, Ankh?” he ventures. “What’s up?”

“I think you know,” Ankh says, now starting to break a sweat from all the hopping.

“Do you, uh, need to pee? I didn’t think anyone was in there, but-”

“Oh my GOD, Eiji!” 

“What?”

Ankh is glaring daggers at him now; it’s enough to make him seriously concerned for his safety for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I don’t know what you’re doing. Can you explain-”

“Shut up!” Ankh groans and stomps away.

From a booth in the corner, Date continues to sip his tea. 

Eiji turns to him. “Hey, so do you have any idea-”

“Sorry, kiddo.”

Ankh is fuming.

He probably should have guessed that Eiji would be too soft in the head to recognize a mating dance. But “Do you need to pee?” Really? Well, the new plumage he’s given himself this morning should do the trick, at any rate. He’s added magnificent scarlet streaks to his hair, peppered through with hints of gold; it’s enough to attract the attention of any mate he desires.

Well, almost any.

“Hey, Ankh,” says the idiot in question, coming down the stairs and heading for the fridge. Ankh waits, posing, while Eiji rummages through the fridge for a drink. He’s starting to feel silly, he’ll admit. But Ankh  _ wants, _ and he knows how to get what he wants. So clenches his fist, trying to contain his rage, and waits until Eiji finds what he’s looking for and turns around.

“Oh,” he says, “you put some red in your hair! Looks nice!” 

He screams and storms out the door.

He pushes Date out of the way as he barrels through the door, making his milk can slam into the frame with a satisfying clang.

“Whoa,” Date says, “You okay there, Anko?”

Ankh just screams again and heads outside. It takes a few seconds of pacing and muttering before he realizes that Date hasn’t headed in, but is out here with him for some reason.

“What do you want?” he spits.

“Just seeing if you’re all right.”

“Why don’t you go see if he’s all right in the head?”

“Who?”

“Take a guess.”

“Eiji?” Date gives him a puzzled look, which changes as the realization seems to hit him. “Ohhh. Is this about the, uh…” He does a sorry imitation of a mating dance, hopping from one foot to the other.

“Yes!! I don’t understand how a person can be that stupid! I puffed out my chest, I gave myself new, attractive plumage, I stood right in front of that idiot and performed a mating dance-”

For some reason Date erupts into a coughing fit, doubled over, his face turning a rich shade of crimson.

Ankh stares at him. “Are you choking?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” He stands up, regaining his composure. “So you’re saying you want, uh...mating? With Hino?”

“Well, whatever you people call it,” he says, prickling at Date’s tone. Ankh’s not ashamed of desire, or of going after what he desires. It’s just bodies, after all, nothing to do with feelings, or Eiji’s dumb smile, or his weird obsession with helping people or anything gross like that. He doesn’t know why Date’s giving him that look.

“So that’s what floats your boat, huh?”

“Yes,” he spits. “What do you care?”

“Hey, hey.” Date holds up his hands in a conciliatory gesture. “I’m not trying to get in your business.”

“Then why are you out here?” he demands, stepping closer.

“Just want to help.”

“Okay, can you help him be less of a complete and utter imbecile?” Ankh is practically spitting in his face.

“Whoa, alright, Anko, I’m gonna get out of here. But, um, a word of advice: have you ever looked into the way humans do a, um, mating dance?”

Ankh wrinkles his nose. “Why would I do that?”

“Well, we might do it a little differently. Just keep that in mind.”

Date backs into the restaurant, slowly, like he’s afraid Ankh will attack him if he turns his back.

Ankh thinks he just might.

“Hey, so, Ankh,” Hina says over breakfast. Eiji is glad when Ankh turns to look at her; he’s been getting weird looks from him all morning. “We’ve got a big party booked for lunch, Chiyoko needs you in the back doing dishes.”

Ankh, for some reason, puffs out his chest. “Okay,” he says, looking back towards Eiji. “I’m very, very good at dishes. I know I can get them done.”

“Um...good?” Hina says. She gives Eiji a questioning look, and he shrugs in reply. “Just make sure not to break any this time.”

“I would never,” he says, still looking right at Eiji. 

Hina reaches out and forcibly turns Ankh’s face in her direction with her abnormally strong hands.

“Okay, what are you up to?” she demands.

“I’m just being confident. Maybe you’ve heard of it.”

“Whatever,” she says, and releases him.

Breakfast continues as normal for all of two minutes, until Ankh finishes his coffee and heads to the freezer for his morning treat. He carries the popsicle back to the table, still unwrapped, and once again stares in Eiji’s direction.

“Hey Eiji,” he says, hoisting one leg up onto his chair.

“Um...yes?”

Ankh says nothing in response, just looks him directly in the eye while he unwraps the popsicle with his teeth.

Eiji coughs, choking on his cereal. It’s...not  _ not  _ enjoyable to watch, if he’s going to be honest with himself. But it sure is...well. It sure is happening.

“Um...Ankh? You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he says, spitting the wrapper onto the floor and licking the popsicle slowly.

Eiji stands up, suddenly uncomfortably warm. “I’m gonna...I’m gonna get more tea- oh, Chiyoko! Good morning!”

“Morning, Eiji,” she chirps, walking by with a stack of plates almost as high as her head. “Hey by the way, I found something weird in my search history. Any idea who was using my laptop to google ‘human mating rituals’?”

Eiji hears Hina drop her fork on the ground. 

He freezes for a few seconds, not knowing exactly how to process what he just heard. Behind him, he hears Hina fumbling to pick up her fork, and Ankh wordlessly kicking his chair away and walking in the direction of the stairs. 

Oh.

“Eiji? No? No idea.”

“Uhh...sorry, Chiyoko,” he sputters. “Sorry, I don’t know.”

He turns cautiously to look towards Ankh, and only catches his back as he disappears upstairs.

“Huh.” She shrugs, and carries her stack of plates behind the counter. “Weird, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…weird...” Hina says. She looks at Eiji, then towards the stairs, and then back at Eiji, raising an eyebrow.

Eiji thinks he might be in trouble.


End file.
